oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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