I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
