so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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