My room smells like vodka and shame
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
