Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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