ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
