I feel like I'm in dance class right now
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
