I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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