Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
