She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize