Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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