What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
