i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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