two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
