i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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