his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
