I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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