HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
