having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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