swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
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