I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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