OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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