I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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