her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
4 words: hood of his car
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
