I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
