Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
