i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize