I wanna passion pit in your ass
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
