She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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