go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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