yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish I could punch you in the face.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
