hotel room ftw
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize