Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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