i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
