just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Two words: nipple clamps
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