made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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