my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
They took my balls.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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