Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I need to sanitize my soul.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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