Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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