I showed him my bush... on skype.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize