So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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