I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
