So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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