shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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