Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
