i permit you to call me
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
