we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
