I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
