I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
