I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
