I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
