If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
