Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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