I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
