I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
