I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
