Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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