no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
