I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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