I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
