the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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