and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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