Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
