Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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